Pearls of Wisdom: Parental Attachment

Bonding between a parent and a healthy baby begins right after birth, but there is a fine distinction between a strong, nourishing connection and unhealthy attachment. It’s a natural instinct for mom to seek ways of comforting her crying and fussy baby by cuddling, caressing, kissing and rocking. Both parents offer security and warmth to this new, but almost instant closeness; especially true with a mother-infant relationship. That bond will eventually have a profound impact on how this tiny human being functions in the world.

A baby communicates by cooing, smiling, gesturing, crying, and moving his body. When his needs are met by his mother and father, he feels safe, wanted and worthy. A stable parental-child relationship sets the foundation for the establishment of healthy circuitry in his brain which can impact his language skills as well as his emotional and social development as he matures.

Unfortunately, attachments between parents and infants are not all perfect. Some parents are apathetic to their baby’s needs to the point where neglect is a very real issue. Whether it’s because they’ve read that newborns must “cry it out,” or because other family members warn that holding a newborn too much is “spoiling” the baby, many new parents avoid consistent responses to a newborn’s cries.  But a lack of nurturing, even in an otherwise stable home environment, will have a negative impact on a baby’s healthy maturation. Even parents who respond inconsistently to baby’s cries reinforce this behavior, sending signals to the baby to scream harder and louder. Parents worry about over-coddling their little one and sometimes ignore their baby’s screaming, but in doing so, fail to understand that babies do not know how to manipulate or test them on purpose.

Many decades of pediatric research have shown that babies develop socially, mentally and emotionally in direct relation to the parents’ responsiveness and sensitivity. Oftentimes, parents who failed to provide a comforting and secure base are linked to insecurity and even aggression in young children. Studies suggest that these aggressive tendencies can affect their social interactions with family and friends as well as their academic performance later in life. Babies whose needs were ignored early on habitually experience delays in speech and emotional maturation.

A securely attached child seeks mom’s reassurance, receives it, and then calmly returns to their activities even in an unfamiliar setting or in the presence of strangers. Children who spend a good deal of time with non-maternal childcare showed little impact on parental attachment as long as the mother’s responsiveness and sensitivity are at a reasonably attentive level. Quality not quantity of time spent with your child is what matters most, which is notably helpful and positive for working moms.

Parenting is never a simple, made to order skill. To complicate things further, moms and dads are saturated with information about parenting fads, they often get pressure from grandparents, and receive a great amount of advice from “experts.” Parents must develop their own bonding and attachment with their child by relying more on their good judgment and intuition. Every family works it out uniquely and differently. The secret to healthy parenting is to give babies a secure foundation so they can venture out in the world, explore their environment, face obstacles and challenges, overcome these tests and then make gratifying developmental breakthroughs on their own.

 

All information contained in this blog and on our web site(s) should be independently verified by you by a medical professional of your own choosing and you should always conduct your own research and due diligence before making any decision related to the subject matter of this blog or our web site. 

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Dr. Pearl

 

Dr. Pearl Cenon

A pediatrician in private practice in New Jersey for over 15 years, Dr. Cenon (we like to call her Dr. Pearl) also has two children of her own. Dr. Pearl’s husband, Kevin McDonough is also a pediatrician and they work together. She writes basic posts about topics that interest many parents, from skin care and nutrition to seasonal issues, such as allergies and colds. Her kind, approachable tone in each blog post will have you looking forward to the next one.

Pearls of Wisdom: Emotional Bonding Part 2- The Toddler Years

shutterstock_113693497Social and Emotional Development in Toddler Years

I can’t count how many times a mother comes to the office in tears because she feels that she has run out of tricks in her bag to deal with her toddler. Feelings of frustration, bewilderment and guilt come hand in hand with surviving the toddler years.  One of the major dilemmas for parents is how to balance discipline with freedom, and create limits. Parents are left to follow their hearts, gut feelings and of course, their children’s cues to guide them.

Social and emotional development involves three major areas: the home, school/daycare, and the neighborhood. Of all of these, the home is the most influential in a child’s life: it is here that parents and children establish a secure foundation from which to venture forth confidently. The challenges that face a toddler include acceptance of limits while maintaining autonomy. Toddlers learn how to rein in aggressive impulses and interact with a growing circle of playmates and adults. Success in attaining this goal is based on prior emotional development, occasionally using images of trusted adults to give them security in times of adversity or stress.

Many parents find their toddler perplexing and difficult to understand and children of this age have rapid, frequent shifts between clinging dependence and defiant independence; between sophisticated-sounding language and infantile helplessness, and between pure joy and uncontrollable rage. These confusing behaviors can put a toll on the parents’ confidence and patience. Your pediatrician can offer you guidance emphasizing realistic expectations for behavioral and emotional development as well as acknowledging parents’ feelings of guilt, anger and confusion. A lot of moms and dads are hesitant to raise such concerns during their doctor’s visit because they feel embarrassed or assume that this is not an appropriate topic for discussion.

Toddlers, in general, need leadership. They need clear, realistic, firm but gentle guidance as well as praise and support when they are due. Sometimes, the best way to lead is simply to serves as a good example. Watching parents clean up spilled food or, even better, allowing him to help (when old enough) is an effective teaching tool. The old-fashioned message of “do as I say, not as I do,” is being rejected by many modern parents with whom I speak. Modeling the behavior that you hope to elicit from your child is the best way to teach the lesson. And remember that your commitment to establishing order, discipline, and responsibility should be modeled with or without your toddler’s participation. In other words, even before your toddler is old enough to clean up after herself, she will watch YOU creating an environment that is orderly and has limits. Eventually, she will want to mimic this herself.

shutterstock_10029688The first step in emotionally bonding with your toddler is to acknowledge, understand, respect, and meet their needs. Toddlers love to play and experiment and they need their parents’ votes of confidence. For instance, allowing a child to occasionally make a “mess” within acceptable boundaries during playtime allows him to feel worthy as well as trust your leadership and guidance. When limits are set, children respond, not out of fear or because they were  threatened with punishment, but because they want to reciprocate the care and love that’s been given.  Again, there must be a healthy balance between empowering your child by allowing him free expression, and saying” no” when the child wants something that may pose harm to himself and others, or is unhealthy or simply not feasible.  Your toddler can handle accepting the limits of reality as long as he knows that you understand his feelings and love him unconditionally.  Another pearl of wisdom I share with parents is that toddlers are not much different than we are in many respects; after all, what adult doesn’t like to have their feelings acknowledged and accepted, even if they are irrational?

It’s wise for parents to master the art of ”trusting and waiting.”  Try to trust your ability to teach and lead and wait for your children to model your behavior at their own pace. Children respond best to modeling and following leaders as opposed to control. Look at the long-term goal for your child’s sense of self over momentary convenience. Enjoying your toddler for who he is and not what you want him to be is key. Parents have to separate their own emotional needs from what their child feels and needs. Lastly, embrace your child’s uniqueness as well as your own.  Your toddler is his own person with his own motives and individual qualities. Every stage in a child’s life has its own purpose and we simply need to acknowledge and respect their needs fully during every stage, allowing them to mature and move on to the next phase.

*The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the writer.

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Dr. Pearl

 

Dr. Pearl Cenon

A pediatrician in private practice in New Jersey for over 15 years, Dr. Cenon (we like to call her Dr. Pearl) also has two children of her own. Dr. Pearl’s husband, Kevin McDonough is also a pediatrician and they work together. She writes basic posts about topics that interest many parents, from skin care and nutrition to seasonal issues, such as allergies and colds. Her kind, approachable tone in each blog post will have you looking forward to the next one.